Balancing Caregiving: Self-Care and Setting Boundaries for Better Support
When someone you know or love requires assistance, you may enter a caregiver role. This occurrence is common among cancer patients and the individuals within their family or social circle. While many people are more than willing to jump in and help out, they may not fully understand how taxing being a caregiver can be.
Molly Turner, Licensed Social Worker at the Riverside Cancer Institute, shares why taking care of yourself is so crucial in caring for others.
Caregiver Misconceptions
To best prepare for a caregiver role, it’s important to understand some of the misconceptions surrounding responsibilities. For example, Turner often hears, “I’m not prepared to be a caregiver.” The role actually does not require any formal training; most people learn as they go.
Another myth is that caregivers must be available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. “Most of our patients are ambulatory, up and about. Do they need support and help with things now that they’re going through treatment? Yes, but it’s more of a stop by, let me see what you need today,” she explains. “Sometimes, it can be phone check ins. Seldom do we see patients who are going through treatment needing 24/7 care. And if they do, there’s usually another underlying reason.”
Importance of Compromise and Boundary Setting
Even if realistic expectations are set, frustrations can still arise. Turner urges caregivers to not wait until a situation gets to a point of anger or bitterness.
“Please reach out, because we do have resources that your loved one might qualify for. Unless you have already been in this role, you likely don’t know what those resources are. Sometimes, just being able to sit down and talk about it, bounce things off of an uninvolved party, is very helpful.”
One critical piece of advice Turner offers is the opportunity for compromise. If you’re caring for your mother, and she’s insistent on showering and washing her hair every day—but needs someone to help her shower—can you compromise for an every-other-day shower?
Along these same lines, boundary setting is also imperative in order to prevent caregiver burnout. This applies to all areas of one’s life, not just the caregiver-patient relationship. If you’re a mom with teens, and they’re used to you preparing and packing their lunches or doing their laundry, there might come a time when expectations need to shift. The time required to do such tasks may need to be dedicated to the caregiver role instead.
Within the caregiver-patient relationship, it’s important to clarify responsibilities as well. “I talk with people about making sure you feel comfortable doing what is being asked of you, and if you don’t understand, please ask for some clarification,” urges Turner.
Putting the Oxygen Mask on Yourself First
Many people are familiar with the direction of putting the airplane oxygen mask on yourself first, so you can better help others. It’s a perfect analogy for caregivers. If you’re not taking care of yourself—eating healthfully, getting enough rest, moving your body—you’ll lack the energy, physically and mentally, to properly care for another person.
“Sometimes people are like, ‘I just need 15 minutes a day to go for a quick walk or to meditate or pray for a bit.’ Those things need to be encouraged for self-care first,” shares Turner. In taking time for one’s own health and well-being, caregivers are much better equipped to view things with a “glass half full” perspective—which Turner says can be incredibly helpful.
“If we are able to find a silver lining in all of the yuck that happens with cancer care, people tend to do much better,” she adds. “The other thing is to speak up if you’re not doing well. Please ask for help. We have counseling resources. We have support services. There is no shame in asking for help and that is exactly why those services are available.” A great place to start is to reach out to a social worker at the Cancer Treatment Center.
For more information about Cancer Services at Riverside click here.